An Unexpected Step

We just got back from Italy but while there I received an email, you know the kind you do not want to get… “I just wanted to let you know that _____has late stage four cancer and the prognosis is not good.” This is the woman who took me in when I was nineteen; my dad had just died, and she welcomed me into her home, her heart, and her family. How does one say goodbye, face the loss of someone who meant so much? With joy and sorrow. That is how.

I sent an email expressing my love, with current pictures of our family and I said goodbye. I felt the sadness, and let the tears flow, said a prayer and then I let go. I will miss her on this earth, but I have no regrets, no heavy weight to carry of, “could have, should have, would have.” There is no wheelbarrow of grief over this dear woman, but this loss opened a step I needed to take towards honesty.

I did not realize how much sorrow I was still carrying until I took this unexpected step towards grief.

Since my brother died last summer, I have felt guilty and sad, and my internal conversation is full of debilitating accusations. I think I should not be happy and feel the weiht of “should haves”. For a year now I have questioned myself, my worth and justice. “Why do I live, and he did not? Why didn’t I try harder? Why couldn't it have ended differently?”

The weight of regret, remorse, and unresolved grief keeps me from moving forward, seeing beauty, laughing spontaneously. Italy challenged me to walk with my grief, to bring it to the sea.

Sicily was brilliant. It made me see; I only had THAT day to go to the sea. So, I carried my sorrow with me, down the steps. I took the steps to the sea. The beauty surrounding me comforted me; the children laughing and playing, the parents watching and waiting. It was so normal and the rhythm of life made sense and quieted my sadness and lifted my sorrow ever so slightly.

I have the hardest time holding hope and grief. Joy and sorrow at the same time. Do you? Maybe your struggle isn’t with grief, maybe it is with anger or insecurity. Whatever it is that holds you back, you can take steps to move through the emotions and towards joy.

The first step might be that interior one… how do I feel? Am I feeling what I feel, so that I can work through it and learn to walk with it.